Ed Hardy Rose 2008

Family dinner in Maine: An all-too rare gathering! The roaring fire, roast chicken with stuffing, maple-syrup squash, and loving family... And a special "secret" strawberry desert! Lots of hugs and love after a long winter's drive. What could be better?

Ed Hardy Rose 2008: Smells like mild berries... Mildly sour, kind of forgettable... Meh.

Cork top. Alcohol content 12.5%. Price about $8. Blechs 1/5.

Fresco Averoff Red 2008

What fun! How can you love anything more than a new fancy restaurant opening in the neighborhood, and trying it out on a cold, wintry Saturday evening with your lover? Here you'll see a captured photograph of our truly scrumptious meal -- for her, a tuna steak with lemony potato and mixed vegetables; for me, a steaming pot of mussels in cream sauce with mushrooms and bacon. Entirely delightful.

Fresco Averoff Red 2008: Odor mild -- a promising snifter, could be a good breakthrough (I'm thinking)! Upon imbibing... have enormous difficulty swallowing... the wine swirling painfully on the end of the tongue, unwilling to go down... and finally gulping it away. The throat doesn't admit to its existence -- but the mouth still burns with oaky, lingering vapors .

Cork top. Alcohol content 13%. Price about $14. Blechs 3/5.

Agustinos Malbec 2008

A quiet night in after a hard week's work. A scrumptious dinner of roasted pork in a cream sauce with mushrooms, and a side of cold broccoli. The cat slumbering peacefully on an old ottoman by the fireside.

Here's Agustinos' Malbec 2008: The odor strong and pungent, holding the promise of an eye-watering experience. The first sip is amazingly tart -- Fire on the lips and tongue, and then a long, slow burn all the way down the throat. Holy smoke, do I hate this wine! A simply astonishing level of displeasure all through the ingestive tract.

... And hours later, a warm queasy feeling still remains in the stomach.

Cork top. Alcohol content 13.5%. Price about $11. Blechs 5/5.

La Vieille Ferme Recolte 2009

An epic blanket of snow that's given a temporary rest to one of the world's great cities: Who wouldn't enjoy a cozy evening with their lover and nothing but to enjoy one another's company and warmth? A humble repast of bits and pieces from the coldbox, complete with a fine wine from the local dealer.

La Vieille Ferme Recolte 2009: On sampling the aroma, smells like a bunch of grapes. The first sip is watery, yet burns like the dickens on the lips, tongue and throat... an increasingly bitter aftertaste. Long-lasting sore spot deep in the throat.

Screwcap top. Alcohol content 13.5%. Price about $10. Blechs 4/5.